Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Adam's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, September 26th, 2002
11:58 pm	I can't explain what is goin around I know about everyone in this town They don't ask questionst, hey barely speak There's something about them that's so damn weak And I know nothing I know nothing I'm all curled up It's cold outside The rain's comin down From my eyes People, they see me They smile and wave They're lookin for a way To be saved And I know nothing I know nothing There's some folks I know Damn them anyway They've hurt me before Still I want them to stay And I know nothing I know nothing There's some kind of meaning To what's goin on here There's no other way I'd hold life so dear And my friends look up They listen to me But they don't really get How I speak Cause I know nothin I know nothin It's not goin to change I know nothing It'll always be this way I know nothing but neither do you I know nothing I know nothing (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 23rd, 2002
11:17 pm	Well, I guess since no one else is updating their entries, I will. Tomorrow in the begining of the concert odyssey that I mentioned earlier. I'm excited for that as well as for the Who live discs that finally came in the mail today. I waited the whole long month of Febuary for those. I listned to them today and they're quite good. Last weekend was possibly the best group sleep over experience I have had. Everyone got along and there was no controversy over much of anything. I've noticed that Jess insults me more when she's around people, especially new ones. I don't like this obviously and it honestly makes her look a lot worse than it does me. I dunno, guess we all have a ways to go in our lives and behaviors, but I try not to embarasse the people around me for the sake of conversation. School is going really well so far and I hope to keep the straight A's that I've got right now. If I can do that I might be able to transfer to Northwestern. Don't get me wrong, I've come to like Lake Forest, but I really need to start thinking of my future and what decisions would benefit it the most. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 18th, 2002
12:35 pm	I don't think I can handle being around most of my friends from back home anymore. Every other day there is some new complication that just kills any happiness I might be feeling otherwise. This has to do especialy with events of recent, where all my friends are running off into their own hypocracies without thinking about things they have said or done. I know that a great deal of my pain is caused by me, but I just can't handle trying to fix myself when there's constant triggers to my depression almost every day. I'm really sick of all of this, because nothing is going to change. I thought that things could get better but they can't. Right now, John is suicidally depressed, and he is now dedicated to throwing his life away to pot. Jessica is out doing her own thing by rationlizing everything she does without ever really thinking about it. My respect for has been damaged because she doesn't seem to really be facing her problems like she said she would. I don't know why this is, but I just can't stand seeing all my efforts wasted by continuous moments of weakness (my own included. I can't escape myself, which really sucks). Marcus has been a good friend and has done a lot for me recently, although I fear that he may never reach his potential. Once again, none of these are directly my problems, but after so much time talking and assuring and helping, well, I feel like they have a lot to do with me. I can't take this anymore. I just want to leave this world and never come back. Since I can't, well, I don't know what I can possibly do to make myself happy, but nothing at the moment seems to be working. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 10th, 2002
7:37 pm	The traditional hangups of a typical day The last few days have been the definition of mediocre. Over the weekend I asked this girl Lucy out only to find that she is one of the strangest and perhaps the most unreachable girl I have ever met. Luckily I don't think she remembers me asking her anything (she was very drunk and stoned at the time). Marcus and John met her and they agree with me. For the past few days I have been lounging around without really doin anything. I've gotten farther in One Hundred Years of Solitude and hope to give it back to Jess next Saturday when I bring Chris and Beth home. I wrote a short scene for playwrighting. It went over pretty well. It's nice to know that my writing didn't atrophy over the summer. I've really cut down my cigarette smoking, although I still haven't found the absolute desire to quit. This is my second day of sobriety from both weed and alchohal and I suppose it's for the best. My head needs to get clear so I don't fall behind in my classes. As stated in my last entry, I've been experiencing bouts of malencholy on a daily basis. Sometimes these spurts of sadness get submerged by activity, other times (like right now) they nestle themselves a nice foothold in my chest, making me considerably mopy. I'm not used to being so far away from a majority of my friends, and I try not to get lured into self-pity when they don't call me. I've got to realize that everyone is pretty busy these days. I guess i'm just a person that needs to be around people. I don't know if this fact is what causes my lonlieness more than not having a girlfriend, or if they're one in the same. Either way, I normally just sit and try to relax until something comes along to wipe away my derpression. Unfortunately, the girl situation (aside from Lucy) has remained the same. There are possiblities everywhere but the thought of a relationship scares me due to my problems with a fast moving relationship (which seems to be the standard around here). I still don't know the sources of my nervousness in these areas, and I think it really hinders my ability to initiate a relationship. I think that is why I was so attached to Jess for so long. She was the only girl that I really felt completely comfortable with (although we had to go through an embarrasing hell to get to that level). I care about her without question, and it does feel wierd not to hear her voice on a daily basis, but I realize it's for our own good. I think we're both pretty lonely right now, but I suppose every single one of my friends feel the same way right about now. Jess and I just spent more time together than we have with everyone else, so I often make connections like this with her first. Right now I feel like those I know either don't understand me or don't care to. I can understand why. Despite my rather calm and neutral outwardness, I still am tough to be aroudn when my real emotions kick in. I've tried to harness control over them this summer, although I don't know to what benefit. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 4th, 2002
9:36 pm	Well, fine, you got me to update. Although you have to admit that I put on one hell of a struggle. So what have I been up to, think think think. For starters I'm at college and am currently enjoyed a no-wake up before 10:20 schedule, for the entire semester. Woo Hoo. I like my classes and feel that this could be a very good semester for me, grades wise (yeah we'll see about that). ON the down side, i have been battling spouts of depression. I guess they mainly occur because of the fact that I haven't had a girlfriend in ten months. Yeah, I know I know. Trust me, I've been looking. I have a few prospects, but no one that has really struck that invisible chord that tells me not to pass up THIS oppurtunity. I got that from this girl Alison last year, but she started dating my friend's roomate before I could make up my mind. Why did I have to make up my mind? Cause she moves very quickly, and I'm not really comfortable with that. He dumped her horribly this summer, and she's still in love with him. I completely know what she's goin through, but I don't see a time where it would be a good idea to ask her out in the imediate future. I've cut down on drugs and cigarettes greatly, which I realize is a good thing. Oh yeah, and I'm seeing a shitload of shows in the next few months. Here's a list. Sept 24th. Paul McCartney Sept 25th. Counting Crows Sept. 26th. Possibly Keller Williams Oct 4th. Umphrey's McGee Oct 11th. The Strokes Oct. 16th Government Mule Nov. 1st Bob Dylan Nov. 11th Bruce Springstein Dec 2nd The Other Ones I also saw The Who w/special guest Robert Plant on Aug 24th. That was a kickass show. Other than not havin a girl, I can't really complain. Things are goin well. But I'm just one of the bottle is not only half empty, but the full half tastes bad kind of guys. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 9th, 2002
11:38 pm	I've realized that I've been neglecting my lj recently. Poor guy, so neglected, he's gonna grow up just like me and all of my friends. Sigh. John's house is open for three weeks cause his parents are in Vermont. This means lots and lots of fun over at John's. Jessie and I have come to a final solution. She is alos on some medication now and I notice a remarkable differance in her atitude. I'm so happy to see that she's enjoying her life, as well as not being mean to me, that's good too. Recently I've been pretty emotionally neutral. I guess I've been too busy to develope a new psychosis. I've been trying to get marcus a job, but no success yet. Well, that's all for now. I'll try to post more often. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 26th, 2002
11:58 pm	it's been a while, so i'm gonna give a brief recap and you can call my cell if you want to talk more. Work's been up and down. some nights i don't mind it, other nights i'm miserable. I shot the promotional film for my uncle today, that went really well. I've decided to go into therapy, mainly cause of the continual bouts of depression that i've been feeling. Jess might start dating mark maagel. My reaction to this prompted my decision to go into therapy. basacally, the thought of jess dating him, or god forbid sleep with him, throws a huge rock into my stomach. I know that my continual feelings of jealousy, love, and depression that i feel towards her in general are not normal or justified, and i haven't a clue how to stop them on my own. So, therapy is what i'm after, now i just have to tell the parents (which'll be tough in and of itself). (Comment on this)
Monday, June 10th, 2002
11:51 pm	Progress Today I basacally did nothing until eight. I went to pick up Marcus at the dominicks and we drove around, smoked a bowl, and thought of things to do. Finally we decided to see if Jess wanted to join us for ice. cream. She said yes and we drove to her house and hung around for a while. The great part is jess and I got along today. I think that I'm getting better. I"m not feeling as anxious and depressed as I did and am greatly improving in the way I view myself and my life. I owe this, in part, to the fact that I haven't been calling Jess everyday. It gave me enough distance to realize how much I tried to depend on her. I know now that it was insane of me to call her and treat her like I did. (overdependant). So Jess, if you read this: Although I still feel a little hurt about how you motivated me to do so, thanks for getting me to stop calling you all the time. I now feel that I am no longer in love with Jess. I still value her tremedously but no longer feel that I need her for emotional support. I also want to start dating again if I find the right girl. Right now I'm not at the point where I'm going to really start active looking, but I feel like I want to start casually trying to find a date or two. On the negative side, I am excrutiatingly horny right now. I'm able to contain myself and not act like an ass, but I am just feeling very frisky. Oh well, improvement today, I'm feeling better all the time, take care all. (Comment on this)
2:47 pm	It's been a while, so I decided to update a little. On Saturday I won $50 at the track and promptly bought the memento double disc. John and I had a good day. I dropped him off and went with Marcus to Jessica's house. She wanted to smoke, so we did so in her room. After that Marcus and Jess tried to convince me into going into therapy for an hour. I understand that their intentions were good, but after a while I just got completely aggrivated because they would let me decline the idea. I felt like they were trying to get me to join a cult after about 40 minutes. It was creepy to see them be so unrelenting. After a while I finally was able to get out of the conversation and we went to Jess' park for a bit. She mainly talked to Marcus and we drove her back home. I took Marcus into Barrington and we went to visit John. It was very strange to see him in uniform. Jess suggested that I go with her to her cousin's graduation party to talk to a relative of hers that is into film. I called her Sunday morning, and as expected, she uprooted her offer. She asked me what I was doing that day and I said, "I don't know, maybe watch Memento." She responded sarcastically by saying, "Well that's productive." Sigh. I think I'm tired of writing for now. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 5th, 2002
10:22 pm	Today was pretty boring. I woke up around 12:30 and practiced guitar for a while. After that I basacally sat around until I went to work from 3-9. It wasn't as frustrating as yesterday but just as monotinous (I don't know if I spelled that right). I went home and called Marcus and we talked about what we could do tomorrow. I want to get Marcus, Me, John, and Jess together since I don't think that we've all done so since Marcus got back. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 4th, 2002
10:00 pm	i have no idea why this isn't on already. I thought that i updated earlier today. Well, here it is again. Today i talked to marcus and realized that my suspicions fromt the night before were entirely false. Jess was just asking him a simple and somewhat considerate question about me. I really need to learn to decrease my paranoia. Today i went to probably the worst day of work that i've had. After that i went out with marcus and john. We dropped john off later and we were going to go work out, but it was too late at night. I really hope things improve from now on. I can't take any more burdens. Current Mood: stressed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
12:48 am	Today I woke up and paced around for a while. Then I sat down and practiced guitar. Tomorrow i think i'm gonna hit those chords hardcore. My family was out of the house so i went outside and had a cigarette. At that time i called jess and went to drop of the remainder of the pack. While there I told her about the deal I wanted to make, basacally i'll not act so dependant on her if she is kind to me. I guess we came to an agreement. I went home and went to work. Afterwards, i called up marcus and we decided to go see undercover brother with jess and brian. We all met at the theatre and went it. The movie was enjoyable, but not something i'd put on my top ten for the year. After the movie, and some pressure, we made brian give in and go to jessica's with the rest of us. I went to the bathroom and overheard marcus defending me to jess. I believe she felt that I was acting too hostile to brian. Marcus didn't think so. I also think jess was still pissed at a somewhat accidental off-color comment i made about her at the amc parking lot. We went downstairs and things settled down a bit. We talked and glanced at taxicab confessions on hbo. We went upstairs and left after that. I think there is still something brewing between me and jess, and I don't look forward to seeing anything boil over. there are other thoughts/gut feelings i have about what was going on down there, but i'll not talk about that until i am sure of what i am thinking. I probably am just dead wrong on this one. Sigh. I just wish i could find happiness again. I'm now really trying to turn myself around. I just couldn't stand anymore suprises. I need some calming down time. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 2nd, 2002
11:38 pm	Life altering decisions After a great deal of emotional torment, i was able to think objectivly about me and Jess. I'm going to be dropping off her pack of cigarettes to her tomorrow, at which point i will tell her about some resolutions and decisions i've made. I have a feeling that she will be very pleased. For those of you who wish to contact me tonight, i will be online for a while, and my cell phone will be on for the rest of the night. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 1st, 2002
10:17 pm	FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK That's all I really wanted to say. And to that guy who told me to get a life. FUCK you. At least I don't float around and make random comments to people I don't even know. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 29th, 2002
11:23 pm	The Good, The Bad, and the Really Stuipd Cell Phone incident caused by a worrying Adam by the lake b Today was up and down. I was pleasently woken up by Jess inviting me to breakfest. I wish I could wake up with a friend on the phone every day. We went to egg harbor, i ate half of my eggs benedict. After that we went back to her house and tortured small animals. Just kidding. You see how i added all those spaces to increase the suspense? I'm clever. (Yes, i'm in a better mood now than i was yesterday, but i'm still very on edge). Jess offered to pay me for mowing her lawn. I was a bit insulted, but I needed money. I was going to mow it, but then the lawnmower stopped working. After that Jess decided to go to bed while i went to Best Buy to purchase Waking Life. I went there, got in line, whipped out my dick.felwjfaeikfm uhh, hmm, my Dad's credit card, and was denyed the buy based on the fact that it wasn't specifically mine (the credit card i mean). So i went driving around and finally found a cash station. I went back and bought the dvd. After that i called jess and she said she was tired and needed to rest. I said okay and went home. I sloshed around for a few hours and went to work. Skipping ahead (who really wants to write a lj post about work). My dad was told aobut my report card while at work. I got a C+ in one class instead of a B-, so i went to my waterfall to have a smoke and collect my thoughts before going home. While having my cig, i put my cell phone on top of the car and i normally do. This time, however, i was so worried about going home that i got in the car and started driving without realizing that my cell phone was on top of the car. as i got to my driveway i realized this and promptly turned around. I circled the area with my brights on while continuously screaming FUCK or FUCK ME at the top of my lungs. Finally, i spotted it. I found the face plate and the cell phone itself, but i lost the battery. I went back home and told my mom, who upon inspection, declared that the thing was broken. My dad sat in the family room. Aparently he's in one of those, "i'm not gonna yell at him. IT's his life. He's not gonna get into a good graduate school with these grades. He can teach," moods. I have a feeling that he's going to yell at me later. I was a little worried about a fuck you response from jessica regarding what i guess what was a pretty aggressive response to one of her entries. SHe sent me a few funny emails later on so i think (hope) all is forgiven. I'm very strung out right now and I can't really take any more conflict for a while. Current Mood: Better than before Current Music: Watching taxi driver, so there is no music other than the occasional snip from the bernard herman score (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 27th, 2002
9:49 pm	for those of you kind folks who have just read my most recent entry and want to thry to make me happy (an act of undeserved charity), my cell phone will be on all night (Comment on this)
9:42 pm	oh what a wicked world with me in it for those of you who read my last entry, not much has changed. Today (the 26th), i hung out with john for two hours and that was about it. My LJ dating is a day off, btw. We hung out and watched tv, and then i left cause he was gonna eat dinner and go out with ross. After that i drove around, went to see if blockbuster had waking life on sale, which they didn't, and did nothing as usual. I called jess on her ll phone to see when she'd be getting back, she said not til ten. I still tried to push her into doing something with me, but she understandably said she couldn't in a frustrated, why are you always bothering me, tone. I don't know why my friends haven't told me to fuck off yet. I'm such an annoying dependant idiot who's feelings have been the same about everything for a year straight. i'm so utterly pathetic. I can't get over things that i should be over, and i'm left miserable and alone. I deserve it though. I deserve all of it. I long for the past, when I know it will never repeat itself. So I'm just wishing for things that'll never take place. And I can't get these evil, self-destructive, jealous, angry, sad, hopeless thoughts out of my head. These feelings aren't directed at any one person, but just a general situation with certain highlights of misery. I'm such a loser. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 26th, 2002
9:57 pm	I... I... I... I... I... I... miserable, all hings and waves, miserable so down so low if i were to die you wouldn't cry neither would I Today-saw star wrs with john and jess she treated me horribly for no reason said that i didn't do anything wrong i just piss her off while she flows with a good, happy life she can't help but be hostile she detuned my guitar for fun later when i was alone, i wanted to play it but couldn't get it back in tune crackling falls of choking vomit i can't stand this much longer i can't take this constant, uncontrollable pain inside of me i can't take this, can' i don't understand why i don't want to kill myself i don't see why i am made to live inside this torment because of some stupid survival instinct that does nothing but perpetuate my horrible self into another day. Love is a glimmer of bliss followed by a flood of pain there is no salvation for the optimist, the good always get stompted upon, while the rest go on and enjoy themselves, and i am sitting, barely typing, not knowing how to end this. i can't run, i don't know how to fly, i'm too tired to cry, too cowardly to die (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 25th, 2002
11:25 pm	Today I saw Insomnia with John and Jess. It was quite good, no masterpiece, but good nonetheless. After that i went to work. Work pays well and isn't too bad, so i guess i should feel lucky. John (for good reason) consistantly bitches at me for how much better my job is when compared to his. Well, that was the happy news for the day. Now goes the annoying, endless bitching that i am o so good at. I really really miss having a girlfriend. And I'm not just saying some girl to fuck. That is part of it, but for anyone who knows me, they know that it isn't the primary concern. I try to talk to girls, but nothing ever goes anywhere. Here's what I mean. I have found basacally two ways to talk to girls, and most people in general. The first, more socially accepted way is to hide most of my real personality behind a bunch of bland pleasentries and idiotic conversation. This is the "friendly boy next door,' image that has gotten most every girl's parents to like me more than the actual girl. When i do this, I get along in conversation okay, but I feel like a phony and I don't believe any meaningful relationship can branch off of basic lies. The second way is where i act like myself and talk to people honestly. Most girls, when confronted by my true interests, hobbies, and general atitudes (still dubbed down for get to know you chit chat) either give me an awkward look or just nod politely while trying to find someone else to talk to. I feel like I barely find anyone who shares similar interests as me, let alone personality traits. This has made it very hard to find anyone meaningful, and while other folks I know have found good relationships, I still find myself leafing through memories of the past, where I actually had someone to call mine. I don't write this to guilt anyone, for I feel I am living up to my end of various bargains that I have made. I am merely saying that I really really miss having a girl. In terms of life, I don't miss B.H.S. at all, but I really miss last summer. God how I miss last summer. Current Mood Desperately Lonely (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 18th, 2002
9:33 pm	Jess and I made a deal today. She would no longer be mean to me if I tried not to let her and Kyle bother me. I agreeed of course, but we both know it'll take time, especially for me I guess. John and I worked on her garden and then we hung around there for a bit. After that John, left me for Ross and Jess left with her mom to Wisconsin (they need to clean up the summer home). So I was once again left with no one but myself on a weekend night. This time, instead of sitting in parking lots, I went to a movie. I saw, and I really don't know why, Unfaithful with Richard Gere. I guess I wanted to see some nudity, but here was barely any, and the movie sucked on all other levels as well. I sat next to this teenage couple who actually were nice enough to include this strange solo kid into their conversation. The girl had braces, but she was pretty nonetheless. My old friend Michael Bala once wrote a poem about a man sitting on a park bench, looking at a woman, and slowly saying how now that he's seen her, he owns a part of her forever. He has her image, and in his mind he can do whatever he wants to her. Pretty amazing stuff from a 13 year old (he was that age when he wrote the thing). No matter how offensive the poem may be, it stands true I guess. In other news, I had a guitar lesson today, and it went really well. But other than that, same shit different day. I guess the resolution between me and Jess is good, and I'm happy that she is enjoying life once again, but in all, I'm still pretty down. (Comment on this)